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Monday, 29 June 2009

Key to understanding me...

Sometimes I get lost.
Just so you will find me.

And sometimes I run away.
Just so you can catch me,

And lift me off my feet again,
Just because it’s so great.

And then I’ll know,
That you are mine
And I am yours.

This is it. I am going on an indefinite hiatus again. Just need to think about some things.
Don't miss me too much.
xoxo,
Me

Saturday, 27 June 2009

The Ex-Files

I’m feeling rather nostalgic tonight. And nothing good ever comes from that.
As I was sitting here wondering why Michael Jackson really died, I got to thinking about my past relationships. (How in the world is Michael Jackson related to my exes? Oh well) Was there a common thread that linked these terrible relationships? Was I the worst judge of character ever to walk the planet, or were they all just Psycho Cheaters? What was it? As always, I began my quest for harsh answers…
Smack dab in the middle of eating tacos for the 5th consecutive day - damn I really missed these - and browsing through old photos, an epiphany shone down from the heavens. All of the rationalizing and excuse-making I’d done over the years had absolutely nothing to do with why those relationships didn’t work out. It was something far greater than that, right there, whispering in my jaded ear, and I never paid it any attention. The problem, precisely, was the first few letters in the alphabet.
I admit, I have a thing for them… And they have a thing for me. I’m drawn to them like a magnet. Except when we try to date it’s like a spontaneous combustion of everything that is difficult in the world. I.E (not in particular order): A, the slumdog millionaire and big time cheater; B, my first breakup and first ever who cheated on me, C, the inspiration behind my first blogging experience but was never in the same page as I was during our relationship - and yes, claimed to have almost cheated on me; D, who first contacted me through a sticky tac -as if that wasn’t my first clue - and also cheated on me; F, (yes I skipped E) the person in my most recent blogs and my most recent heartbreak. Wait, did I just go through all my Exes? Wait, what’s that -my backspace is on fritz? Oh, snap.
Of course, Houdini is an exception to this. He was was an “M” - but I hate him so much that I decided he no longer counts for any kind of list. We didn’t break up because of his name but rather because he actually and literally disappeared on me - which for me is also a form of cheating, since he promised to be back and never returned. Never heard from him as well. If you’d like to read more about him, you can check out my past blogs.
Phew. Well the search is over. And now at least I know that none of this had anything to do with me.

Wednesday, 17 June 2009

(Cheesy) Realizations...

I just saw the movie Twilight a few minutes ago. I found the movie interesting for many reasons not relevant to my life, but in particular, I loved the depiction of wordless, instantaneous, passionate love. A reminder that we should always strive hard to deepen love and enjoy the familiar with our partner while continually keeping that fresh appreciation alive.
If I’ve learned one thing from this movie, it’s that if I want my life to be a certain way, I must be that way myself. If I want my relationships to be tender and romantic, I must be tender and romantic. If I want to receive something, I have to give it. I also recognized this the other day. I was looking for support and was angry when I didn't receive it. I then thought to myself, "How supportive am I?" and I realized I wasn't nearly as supportive as I would like to be.
The movie also reminded me to be myself nd accept my own taste in music, and not to wish that my taste is different from what it is. I loved the song from the Twilight piano scene, "Bella's Lullaby," and instead of dismissing that pleasure, I let myself enjoy it.
It reminds me of another soundtrack song I love, The Promise from the mindblowing movie The Piano. The pairing of the two songs/movies is interesting, because The Piano is about wordless passion between adults, with their complications, instead of teenagers.
In conclusion, I loved Twilight and it didn't take me long to figure out why. I was actually starting to get really concerned and was close to praying out loud that I do not want a boyfriend who's heartbreakingly beautiful and un-dead (lol). But then I realized it's not about the blood-sucking, it's about the thrill of finding someone that you'd spill blood for.
I'm a hopeless romantic and this movie just totally brought that home. :)

Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Numb...er

If we cry enough - if we’re hurt enough - we become numb to the pain, right? We’ll become numb enough not to feel, because we’ve already been through the indescribable things. For if we’ve already been burned by fire, how could we feel again? If we’ve already drowned, how can we drown again? If we're already frozen, how can we be frozen once more? If we’ve fallen, we just get used to picking ourselves back up. The things that happen today prepare us for tomorrow.

That’s what I used to think.

Sure it’s a good attitude – maybe it even makes sense. But it’s not true. Because no matter how much I’ve cried, no matter how much I'm hurt, the pain doesn’t lessen, it just adds up. We can’t become numb enough to block out the hurt, because to do so, we have to block out the love too. To banish the feeling that eat us up, we have to kill all feeling.

Because it’s the people we love who hurt us most deeply, we usually don’t care so much about others - people we don’t love – and what they say & do to us. When we give our hearts & love to our friends, our family, we give them the power to hurt us, but we trust them not to. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always that work that way.

Some people think crying is weakness but when something hurts, and it means the world to us, sometimes it’s better to let it out. And if we really think about it, tears usually aren’t stupid – they’re beautiful because they mean we care deeply about something. They mean we’re strong enough to go for something great, at the risk of being hurt.

Monday, 25 May 2009

Tito Dan

I knew it was coming. We thought we would lose him earlier this year to the Big C. Somehow this wonderful soul hung on for a few more months and at 2:30 this afternoon he slipped away in his sleep. He was like a father to me and I will miss him.
He was a gentle, energetic visionary father-figure of our family, who even in his elderly age could not sit still. His spirit was always driving to make the world a better place. He was the kind of person that everyone knew. Mentioning his name would bring a smile to people's faced that you would never imagine he had even met, let along that he had touched their lives in such a memorable way. In fact he radically changed the lives of many. His energy always filled any room, despite his slim and small frame.
My brothers, cousins and I thought the world of him. So does the rest of our extended family across the globe.
We are all mourning for his loss, and each tribute I read for him and memory with him that crosses my mind brings tears to my eyes.
We will definitely miss you Tito Dan. Thank you for enriching all of our lives. We love you dearly.